As I am in the final days of my pregnancy, I'm anxious. It's like knowing there is a big test coming up but having no way to prepare for it. I'm gonna get thrown in and I'm either gonna sink or swim, it seems. The light at the end of the tunnel for me is knowing that when it's all said and done, I'll have my boy. Imagining his sweet face keeps my spirits high amidst feeling completely uncomfortable in my own body.
I am also acutely aware that my world is about to be rocked. People with kids frequently feel the need to remind me of this, but it's often not in an uplifting way. Even my Dove chocolate is reminding me that my free moments are fleeting. So I've found I'm doing things and thinking, This is the last time I'll be doing this for awhile. I'm going places and wondering, Next time I come here, will I be a frazzled mess trying to handle an infant? It's also bizarre how in tune with my body I am - feeling every little twinge of pain, Is this it? I'm not ready!
But I don't want to think like that. I want to think, The next time I do this, I'll experience it with my little boy! or Next time I'm here I'll have my little sidekick with me! I know people mean well and I truly want to have realistic expectations about what an adjustment it is to care for an infant, but I also want go into this thing called parenthood with the highest of hopes.
So I keep going back and re-reading a sweet email that my Aunt Georgia sent to me on my birthday. She has three grown boys of her own.
"Your life is about to change with the added blessing of your son. Joshua and you are about to experience your own personal miracle. It’s a lifelong gift that opens, increases in intensity, challenges you to the max, makes you weep with joy and occasionally sorrow, but holds forever wonder and awe for our Creator. You will love your child/children with the tenacity of a junk yard dog and the tenderness of visualizing Jesus’ face. Your love for that precious little being will grow every day for the rest of your lives. Your heart will swell and grow with all of the people Grady brings into your lives. I am still amazed that from the magnitude with which I have loved my sons from conception on, my love continues to perfect, gets angry, gets challenged, challenges me and continues to swell with even a greater degree of love with each passing day."
And when I read that, I only feel excited. Yes, I know it's going to be hard. I know that I'm going to have to make a lot of sacrifices (goodbye, sleep). But I also know that I am literally busting at the seams to experience that love she talks about. Love that has "the tenacity of a junk yard dog but the tenderness of visualizing Jesus' face". And I know that if I only ask, I'll be given the grace I need to navigate each new day of motherhood.
Let's do this thing.